Saint Anthony was known as Anthony from Padua. If you want to find out more about Saint Anthony, just read about him in Wikipedia. Because in case you haven’t noticed, this is not Wikipedia.
Anyway, Saint Anthony was the patron saint of the lost. Not “lost” as in “needing direction in life”, but “lost” as in “cannot be found”. If you lost something, you were supposed to just pray to Saint Anthony, and then your lost thing would turn up magically.
I myself have a Saint Anthony story. I was in the fifth grade then, and we were on a field trip. I brought a Troll with me. Not “Troll” as in “that monster that attacked Harry Potter in a Hogwarts bathroom”, but “Troll” as in “that toy released by Russ which is said to give good luck when you stroked its hair”. I lost my Troll, and couldn’t find it anywhere. I searched everywhere—in my bag, under all the seats, literally everywhere on the bus—but I just couldn’t find it. So I prayed to Saint Anthony like, “Dear Saint Anthony, please help me find my Troll. I just bought it this weekend, and I’m sorry I keep on losing things.” And then magically, I found it. On the seat beside me. Somehow it had escaped my thorough search.
And there were also times when Saint Anthony wasn’t there for me. Like that time my brother’s bike got stolen. I believe it was partly my fault, because I lost the bike’s padlock. That’s because where I come from, if something isn’t padlocked, it’s up for grabs. That time, Saint Anthony wasn’t in vigilante mode, and so my brother’s bicycle never came back.
But what if Saint Anthony was on our beck and call twenty-four-seven? That’d be great, wouldn’t it? How is that possible, you ask?
This by the way is the modern Saint Anthony:
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| Magnified 100 times. |
This is how it works: Let’s say I’m a rich filmmaker, and I bought a brand new HD 3D video camera. I could actually protect it by dressing it in diapers and calling it, “Boo-Boo”, but that would be pathetic. Instead, I take Boo-Boo (yes, I’m calling her Boo-Boo, so what?) to the Saint Anthony Offices (SAO). There I purchase the Saint Anthony tracker, and I fill out a registration form, which includes a detailed description of the property I wish to register (in this case, Boo-Boo). The description includes the serial numbers, body numbers, and any other identifying marks, and will also indicate exactly where in the camera’s body I will be hiding the Saint Anthony tracker. In this case, I should like to hide it somewhere inconspicuous, like behind the viewfinder.
Then let’s say Boo-Boo gets stolen. All I need to do is call the SAO hotline (1-800-ST-AN2NY). I tell them who I am, and that one of my properties registered with a Saint Anthony tracker has been stolen. The operator or call center agent then activates the search satellite, and within seconds, the precise location of Boo-Boo will then be relayed to me, as well as to the nearest local police, complete with a notarized complaint for theft. And at the same time the next day, I will already have Boo-Boo back in my hands safely.
Every satisfied Saint Anthony customer is also invited to convert to Catholicism, but of course, that is not mandatory.
*pic from Fire 4 JC
